Scientists Who Say ‘Cats Are Jerks’ Are Jerks

Simon “Bimon” Romeo A.K.A. Buster Chops A.K.A. RobLowe

I am a woman owned by cats. I love all animals. I am not the kind of sour-puss person who says that I love cats and proclaims that dogs are jerks. I love dogs and bunnies and squirrels and horses and birds and ferrets and hamsters. It is a simple-mind that makes the proclamation that cats are jerks and has never really given a cat a chance. Perhaps this misconception is based on fear and the inability to comprehend the complex feline mind. More than likely, that human is of limited intelligence. Cats are superior creatures and have no need for petty and under-developed minds.

I keep seeing articles looking to scientifically prove that cats are jerks. Now, please do not confuse the scientific commentary with the video above – where cats are acting like jerks and knocking things off of furniture while they stare at you – that is jerk behavior. We all have moods. But just like with humans, it doesn’t tell the whole story.

Scientists” from the United Kingdom and Brazil evidently think they know more than I do about cats. These scientists think because they wear lab coats and have fancy degrees, they know more than a person who has not only been owned by cats my ENTIRE LIFE, but has been scolded on more than one occasion by my father for making cats the subject of many, many, many grade-school reports. I know a thing or two.

Carmen Miranda Panda

Carmen Miranda Panda

One study claims that cats don’t like to be petted. Well, that is just a huge pile of junk science malarkey. Tell that to Carmen Miranda Panda who specifically rubs against me, meows and asks for me to pet her. When I do, she makes love eyes at me and her meow becomes soft and raspy. English and Brazillian feline theory is SHOT TO HELL.

More “proof”  pointed out that cats are jerks because they bite us. Well these “scientists” have never met Samantha Panther. Sampan doesn’t bite. She pretend bites and it NEVER hurts. She gently touches my skin with her teeth and she has no intention of drawing blood. It’s a way for her to show she is interested in playing but not hurting – think the sword fight by Mercucio and Tybalt in the film Romeo and Juliet.

If a cat bites you and it hurts, you were probably irritating it, and you deserve it. You should know better. Cats usually give you some sort of warning if they plan to bite you. For instance, maybe you’re petting a kitty and, all of a sudden, kitty becomes infuriated by your touch. Kitty will usually growl and scratch you BEFORE attempting to draw blood with a bite. If you are simple enough to continue petting kitty, you are an idiot and deserve your fate.



One of the other claims made in studies by people who assume they are in-the-know is that cats ignore us when we call them. Au Contraire. Simon often comes running when he is addressed. Of course he is extra happy if I have treats or a feather toy, but those items are not necessary for him to come running. He does that out of love.

Samantha "Who You Callin' A Jerk?" Panther

Samantha “Who You Callin’ A Jerk?” Panther

Another mistake that many humans who don’t understand cats make is that cats are crazy when they run into or out of a room at warp speed for no apparent reason. The key word is “apparent.” Cats have connections to other worldly beings and they often frolic and chase these beings. It is the insecure and feeble mind that assumes a cat is “crazy” because they have knowledge most humans are incapable of experiencing.

Here’s what it is really about: Cats are in a class all by themselves and are creatures that demand worship. These know-it-all “scientists” and dog people who don’t like cats because they don’t follow them around like needy attention seekers are simply not sophisticated enough to understand the mind of a feline. It is beyond their comprehension, so they look to paint cats as negative. And then they name-call because that is sooooo mature.

Humans who are owned by cats know better and laugh at the uncomplicated minds who are unable to understand feline mentality. Obviously the testing that these “scientists” are using are beneath a cat’s capability. The conclusions that are drawn are not accurate. Simply put, it would be like a slimy dirt slug creating a psychological test for the astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson.

simon-againThe only caveat to this truth is that sometimes, like humans, cats act like jerks. They do knock shit off of furniture while looking right at you. Nobody’s purrfect. Sometimes when they don’t get their way, they shit in your shoe or piss on the carpet. But they probably only did it because you were a jerk to them first, and you probably deserved it.

Jezebel jean juliet Johnson and Simon and Miranda

Jezebel Jean Juliet Johnson, Simon and Miranda


Kimberley-SM Kimberley A. Johnson (BIO) is the author of The Virgin Diaries and an activist for women’s rights. Like her on Facebook, Twitter or follow her on FB HERE.